Matt's Log

I am not abandoning this blog, per se, but I have started a new one.  I had decided to write my memoirs some time ago but have felt another publishing venue may be in order.  If you wanna follow me on the new journey, send me an email.  I'll post here again...soon...but there will likely me more for me to say at the new spot.

 

A month has gone by and I still have the same feelings when I think about you.  I still feel the butterflies when I picture you smiling at me.  I still melt when I dream about that look you gave only to me.  You know the one.  You looked so deeply into my eyes I could feel my soul being pored over.  I still feel the emptiness when I lie in bed at night.  I still say good night every night before I close my eyes.  I still think about the three sets of five pecks.  I still do a lot of things.

 

And yet...

 

I wonder how much I really knew.  I wonder what came to mind when I asked what was wrong rather than what was told to me.  I wonder how long something was wrong before I was finally told.  I wonder how so many opportunities to change the way things went could have been passed on.  I wonder how many times I refused to really give your point of view a chance.  I wonder how I let myself be so blinded by my incessant need to be right for so long...not recognizing a flaw in myself that I condemned in another.  I wonder why you never just called me on it - really called me on it and refused to let me get away with dismissing it.  I wonder why I refused to see the hurt that was behind the frustration with me.  I wonder why I was so lazy that I refused to get off my butt and go to hear new music and experience new things that could have made all the difference.  I wonder why I ever let laziness take so much from my life.  I wonder why I had to lose you to wake the hell up.

 

But...

 

There are still so many secrets.  So many chats I knew nothing about.  So many streams I never got to share in.  Do I know them?  Have I been doubly betrayed by someone I consider a friend to this day?  Is it not still a lie that a fact is omitted, when that very fact is still hurting me?  Can I ever truly befriend a person who would allow me to continue to be betrayed?

 

So...

 

Maybe you don't want to be my friend.  Maybe you aren't truly there if I need you.  Maybe you never did.  Maybe you never were.

 

So much uncertainty.  Uncertainty.  Truly my arch-nemesis.

 

Goodbye?

 

 

You have friends, you have family, and you have a shoulder right here...

 

 

Oh, why you look so sad?
The tears are in your eyes, come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through 'cause I've seen a dark side too

When the night falls on you and you don't know what to do
Nothing you confess could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you

So, if you're mad get mad, don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too, well, I'm alive like you

When you're standin' at the crossroads and don't know which path to choose
Let me come along 'cause even if you're wrong I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You're feelin' all alone; you won't be on your own, I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
I won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you, I'll stand by you

Oh, I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you

 

Over the past 24 hours I have come to realize that some people just fuck with you...that's it that's all...but I digress...

I went to see Matthew Good and his band tonight.  REALLY good show.  Admittedly, the acoustic tour left me wanting more. The haunting softness of Good's voice notwithstanding, it was a little more introspective than I was prepared for. I guess that's what I get for going to a show without yet having heard the album in its entirety. It was a very personal album and was picture perfect Matthew Goodness, but without some of the more driving rhythms he's known for I felt it kind of took me too far into the dark place from which he sought escape as he put the raw emotions to music.

Tonight's show saw many things that will remain engrained in my memory for some time to come:

 

> A girl walking by a guy gets accosted with a drunken "Ah LUUUUUV YoUUU girl!" only to be met with a response from the guy following her. The drunkenness was beside the point. The responding guy's response was to take a handful of the drunken guy's scrotum and shout "Naw I love YOU man!" It was the drunken, "THAT was WEIRD!" that will play in my mind forever. You see, his initial response was not shock, but a curious eyebrow raise and a 2 - 3 second silence only to turn to the people behind him with the "WEIRD" statement. Weird good? Or weird bad? I couldn't tell.

> People in standing room only venues not only cannot stand still (I am guilty of needing to move to the music if only to shift the position of my feet) but seem to periodically veer into a new standing location directly in front of me.

> The astrological dark matter (invisible to the naked eye) body Bobbi has an incredible gravitation pull that collisions with lesser, weaker bodies are commonplace, and irritatingly common.

 

All in all, I had a great time. The lights were cool. Matt played a four song encore. In the end he was soaked but satisfying...like a cool ocean wave on a scorching summer's day. Below are some select lyrics from some of my favorite songs by Matthew Good. Pick up yours today...

 

Here by my side, you are destruction
Here by my side, a new colour to paint the world
Never turn your back on it
Never turn your back on it, again
Here by my side, it's Heaven

 

Remember how we started, 'cause since then, I'm a waste
Since then I'm a fool
Since then I'm a dog
In a world called catastrophe
Since then I'm a waste

 

As time passed us by
We never felt like we should
We never did what we ought to
And folks they used to smile
And now they just think that they should
They just think that they should
We used to roll around on the floor
Get some Chinese delivered
Listen to Led Zeppelin IV
It's been a while since I was your man

 

Sometimes I wish I could get my thoughts down like that. Lyrically that is. It's a work in progress. One song. Maybe two. Eventually more. Who knows...I might write an album.

 

It's just how you choose to act on it that matters.